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motherhood wishes

we had an hour in the warm sun yesterday that was pure bliss. we discovered a new little park with a tiny bridge and a fountain and an old fortrace and the oldest trees great for climbing. there were a zillion dandilions and i think O made 1000 wishes, but he told me this one in particular with a sheepish and sweet little grin. he's thinking candy filled piniatas, balloons, cake and goodie bags...i'm thinking i wish i could give him all that and so much more.

lately motherhood has been hard for me. yes, now i know i have a challenging child, but that knowledge doesn't make some days any easier. i have been feeling like i am walking on thin ice here in the land before 5. my little guy who is not a baby any more, though not yet a boy but becoming more so every day, challenges every atom of my being. sometimes this is powerful and beautiful and introspective and good, other times it is visceral and frustrating and maddening and not so good.

i wish i could only be patience and light and wonder for this child who i love so fiercely. i admit that i am a person who is ruled by my emotions, and this is not always the best parenting model. so i often worry about failing him. i know in my head it is not that black and white. that our relationship is made up of a million glittering points of light and dark, but it is easy to focus on the dark...when i feed my son ice cream for lunch because i'm too tired to go to the grocery store, when i forget to brush his teeth for the second night in a row, when i don't mean to yell so loudly, when i want to just have ten minutes alone and resent that i can't, when he acts so atrociously i wonder where i went so wrong, when my patience is simply gone.

and then the sun comes out, and he makes wishes even for me, and he wants to hug, and he converses easily with me like a 10 year old about life and all it's curiosities, and he's so happy and sweet and so content i want to weep.

these are my mothering moments lately...sunny and stormy and passionate. he is a lot like me.