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what i am not

it has been a long time since i have felt really centered in myself. i don't feel particularly bad or am looking to feel unrealistically good, i just don't feel quite like myself...whatever that means. in my life i always seem to be redefining who i am, in my mind at least. i don't know if this is a way for me to better understand myself and my feelings, or if it is a survival mechanism i have learned over the years to assimilate and evolve to the complicated landscape of life.

today i want to be someone i am not, but i am not exactly sure who that is. it is a very unsettled feeling that i cannot define, so i am struggling to wrap my head around it. i am struggling to just to be Me.

i have questions without answers. i have happines, but no real joy. i am meloncholy and sleepy but not depressed. i am deep inside myself but cannot see. i am medicated but not really much better. i am wanting for but not even close. i am weary but not worn out. i have passion but little desire. i feel creative and inspired, but cannot get off the ground.

i am drowning in the sweetness and nothingness of everything.