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equal but opposite force

newtons 3rd law :: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction

right now, i am struggling. i'm struggling with this little person in my life who i love so much it aches. i'm not really sure why. i think there are a lot of reasons why. i am trying to sort it out and find a better way, but it is hard. i admit i'm having a really hard time.

with all the joy he brings into my life, there are also lots of challenges. as his mom i know it is my job to to help work through these challenges, but lately i just feel a little helpless. i am pushing and pushing against him which is not helping at all. he just pushes back. equal but opposite.

part of it is i am pushing to gain control, and it's not even about control. by dinnertime we are all tired and unravelling and it is hard to gather myself to think like a warrior mama, to show up for him and be his advocate. all i want is to just sit down and eat a calm dinner after a long day. that's what you are supposed to do right?... cook a meal, sit around the table, share, talk, keeps kids off drugs, boosts thier self esteem, helps foster family relations. not in this house. this is never how it is because he is moving and spinning and loud and disruptive. every night. and he just can't help it. and i yell anyway. and inside i just want to cry.

part of it is i just get so frustrated. isn't that awful? i am his mother after all. it's not about me. but here i am feeling a little resentful about this job i signed myself up for.

part of it is we are so much alike. he is my mirror in so many ways... in some really beautiful and joyful ways, but also in some really profoundly difficult ways. so there's that.

part of it is that my motherhood is a place that i really need to stretch myself and to keep on learning. it feels like treking through uncharted jungle i imagine, with both beauty and danger around every turn, not ever knowing which you will encounter. having a child with adhd is often exhausting and sometimes even painful (which i didn't ever really see coming).

this post isn't to say 'poor me', nor is it a call for sympathy (though any advice would be lovely!). it's just a place for me to dump my thoughts and say some things out loud helping me to process it all. it's part of the baby steps on this long journey.

i wouldn't trade my motherhood for anything in the whole world... how he still wants to hold my hand, how he loves to spend time making things with me, how he makes me laugh in so many unexpected ways because he's funny and smart and so sweet. i do know this much ~ love is simply love no matter how complicated. and i know i will find my way.

i think i will start by letting go of dinnertime. that seems like a good place to make a change. we'll be eating buffet style from now on. i'll let you know how it goes.


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