Why is it that it is always so much bigger and scarier in my head than it is in realty, and why do I never learn after running around in anxious mental circles again and again that I am probably manufacturing so much of the trouble in my over-active brain?
Communication, people. It never (usually) fails.
I've had this feeling since bringing up this whole adoption search thingy with my parents that actually talking to my mom and dad about everything was going to be supremely difficult, that I would probably sob uncontrollably, mumble incoherently about how I feel and then leave feeling misunderstood and even hurt somehow by my botched ramblings. It's amazing how little faith I have in my own abilities as an intelligent life form. I always have this frustrating need to justify and explain. I think it's just about wanting to be understood and seen.
So I invited my mom to lunch today. It had been a while since my dad's ordeal that we've had the chance to meet at our regular lunch place. The sun was shining, my little guy needed a hair cut down that way and has been asking to "hug Nana", and I just wanted to rip the band aid off. I think I half expected her to say "I have plans to wash the cat" (note, they don't own a cat) as an excuse to not have to pay audience to my emotive conversation. That's how I feel sometimes, like a crazy circus freak, but instead of tattoos all over my body my nerves and emotions are all exposed and hung out for crowds to gawk and look at. Also, when it comes to my mom and dad they are two of the most level headed people I've ever known, my sensitive wiring feels all the more glaring. Often, I wish I could turn it off.
But it was good. So good. Because my mom loves and supports me. And I didn't fall apart. And she wasn't hurt or upset face to face. Really, it's all just a big overgrown three-eyed monster only to me. To my mom (and my dad I'm sure), this search is important to them because it is important to me, and it's as simple as that. It's mostly about me, not them or my husband, or even my kids.
It's called unconditional love, sans drama or personal agenda. Sheesh. Really? I do know things could be very very different. So sometimes I have to be smacked in the face with it, Olympia Dukakis style to "Snap out of it!" and stop projecting because it's all really okay. Better thank okay.
I love you Mom and Dad.