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jan.24 {breaking up is hard to do}

{I Am, mixed media on canvas inspired by Kelly Barton}

Even when you are absolutely sure that it's time, it's still very hard to break up.  A cozy and mediocre relationship is so much easier than having to begin to search and put yourself out there in the world open, vulnerable, and on your own again.  It's not really that horrible of relationship, is it?

No - it's not, but truthfully it is holding you back from being with someone who you can truly love (but you already know that).

Look on the bright side.  You get to stay in your pajamas all day, eat ice cream right out of the container (the good stuff, not that fat free sugar free crap), play your favorite love songs, and have a mini pity fest.  After all, it's genuinely sad to leave behind someone you've loved so whole-heartedly for so long.  I promise you though, the next one you fall in love with will be all that and a box of Godiva chocolates.

The thing is, you have to break up with the girl you wish you could be in order to be the best version of the girl you already are.

I'll give you a moment to percolate on that...

So this is where I am right now, a few months past the weepy sadness and on to flirting shamelessly with this sweet and sassy girl, and it feels like we've known each other forever.  I think what happens is that many (many) times in our lives we meet a part of us who is so completely genuine, we dance and make love and feel in the flow of it all, but there comes a time when you eventually outgrow one another.   This is a good thing, yet sometimes it's hard to notice because you are so invested and intertwined with the old you.

What I am seeing these days is that I was on a path that I thought I wanted to be on and nurturing attributes that I believed to be desirable and true.  At one point they were true, just somewhere in my growth and expansion I lost sight of myself a bit.  This happens in relationships as well, we meet, we fall in love, and if you don't grow together you grow apart.

My 30-something self and I grew apart, and it's bitter-sweet.

Recently, I made a list of all the things I believed to be true about who I am, right now by looking at the clues in my life right in front of my eyes (no deep digging) noting the good and the not so pretty, and then I made a list of the girl who I thought I wanted to be, like the ambitious business girl, the next best thing, and the zen yogi to name a few.  It wasn't drastically different but there certainly were some subtle but glaring differences.  Finally, I wrote down how I wanted my life to make me feel - not what I wanted to accomplish, I think we often get stuck in thinking we have to always be goal oriented - and began drawing the connections between my personal truth as I saw it now and what was going to make me feel the way I wanted feel... like today.  Not a month from now, not after I take that class or have some alone time.  Right now.

One of the things I had to do was shift my voice...I realized, begrudgingly at first, that I am no longer that soft and heavy soul mining girl I so admire (maybe a smaller part of me is), but a bolder, less searching voice wanted to say something.  Slowly I have been letting her speak, and honestly it feels a little intimidating but also really good because she's a no nonsense, tell it like it is kind of girl.  It's kind of like putting on skinny jeans for the first time and feeling really exposed and daring, but then realizing they're my favorite and most comfortable pair.  I just had to get used to feeling more out there.  Smaller things, like moving my website and changing the look and feel have also helped me to say goodbye to old ways of being and thinking.

I had to challenge my own stories of self to know what direction to go. 

I know that this torrid romance will simmer and cool too.  Needs will change, the compass will need recalibrating, and I'll have to check in with myself to see where I am.  What I'm coming to realize now is that the truth of who you are is always evident and right there in front of your eyes.  There is time for soul searching and thoughtful inward journeys, but if you look, your life is telling you a story and all you have to do is pay attention to her and ask her to dance.  She totally wants to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.