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apr.23 {my life as a bit of a science experiment}

The tricky thing about hormones is that they're always changing.  As a girl, I know some of you can commiserate with this monthly tale of woe... add in the additional challenge of managing a hormone imbalance in that mix and you can imagine the psychosomatic roller coaster that is often my life.  This past week I have not been feeling my best, in fact I have been feeling quite miserable.  There are always sunny spots if I can poke my head out long enough to find them, and so there were good moments during our vacation week together thankfully, but for the most part through the days of Spring Break I was struggling.

Over the last few weeks or so my doctor and I have been fiddling with my medications because it turns out I have a very low tolerance for estrogen and the oral contraceptive I was taking to manage my PMDD ended up giving me high blood pressure - just when I thought we had this thing finally figured out.  I've never had high blood pressure in my life and so it was pretty clear this was the culprit, and making a switch to a mini pill (low/no estrogen birth control) corrected this issue pretty quickly.  Unfortunately, without that extra boost of estrogen I was feeling a bit back to square one.  So, now I'm faced with the decision to take the pill that worked and then take an additional medicine to counteract the high blood pressure and resulting headaches (yuck), or try another approach altogether which means an antidepressant.  I am not opposed to an antidepressant at all, but again, it's the side effects I am worried about... mainly the shutting down of the libido.  I chose an alternative kind of antidepressant as support, which is also helping, for just this reason.  This has been one aspect of my well being that has been consistently (off the charts) good.  Something about this way of being in my body, unlike exercise or anything else, has always been a bridge and a conduit for positive energy that often helps to shift me back to a more grounded place.  It's not only a pleasure and a quality of life thing, it is also a tool I use to help me stay connected to myself (and Alex, of course), and so therefore one I am not all that willing to let go of.

It's a bit disheartening to be faced with making these trade offs with respect to my well being, that something good has to be compromised.  I am also beginning to feel a bit like a chemistry experiment with all the med changes, being both the control group as well as the guinnea pig in it all.  The idea of wellness seems like such an unreachable goal at times, and when one is already feeling a bit less than stellar, it can seem incredibly discouraging.

So, I am moving through all of this doing what I know how to do (trust, create, rest, keep reaching out) and trying to hang in there both physically and emotionally.  Some days I end up on top, others I let myself succumb.  It's the best I've got right now and I'm just trying to remain my own cheerleader instead of beating myself up about it.  If it requires a little extra chocolate and wine, so be it.