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apr.5 {i really need to stop doing this guilt thing}



This has been one of those crazy weeks, one where every day is jam packed with places to go and things to do.  I can hardly believe we've made it to Friday without any major snafu.  Like always, the anticipation is worse than the actual reality and so this was the lesson for all of us all week long - take it one day at a time.  We've got this.

In the wake of everything speeding by and filled to the brim, I've been waffling all week about a workshop I am supposed to attend tomorrow not knowing if schedules would realistically line up.  So I've been doing that thing where in my mind I can not fully commit.  Even though I intended to go, and want to go, and registered ages ago (doing a little happy dance immediately following), I have been feeling the hesitancy all week.

Well, more like the burden of guilt.

This happens a lot.  When there is a big opportunity of doing something really wonderful for myself I feel insanely guilty - for taking the time away, for spending the money, for focusing on myself and so on...  And so up until the very last minute (and I mean that literally, like when I made it to Squam last fall half an hour late due to the guilt dance), and torture myself with the should-I or shouldn't-I routine.  It's not really rational, I know that, but it is very real.  Giving that permission slip to myself is always the toughest bar to clear.  It's not until I've exhausted every reason why I should not go, and my husband usually countering with every reason why I should go and how it's not a problem to anyone but me, do I finally relent after so much energy expended in purgatory.

It's like if I don't suffer and feel bad enough about taking the opportunity, I haven't earned it.

And so here I am less than 24 hours before the time I need to be off and running, and I still have not finalized my plans which include bus tickets, an overnight stay, and some fairly significant logistics I still have to piece together.  The thing is, I know it will happen.  I'll be on my way tomorrow morning after all the doubt has played out and I'm assured the world won't fall apart when I'm gone (not that I think my family can't operate without me, but it just would make me feel a whole lot worse for being away), and I will be so grateful and have an amazing time.  It's how it always is.

But I need to somehow stop this ridiculousness and find a way let go of the guilt once and for all, because I also know deep down that these events are necessary for me.  It's essential nourishment for me to be able to step out of my day-to-day and reboot and refuel, not just creatively, but energetically as well.  It makes me a better, healthier and happier person overall.

So, it's a work in progress.  One of my bigger challenges for sure.  I know I'll conquer it some day.




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