Skip to main content

may 13 {feeling dreamy}

My dreams have been really vivid lately.  I've been waking up every morning with a fresh one on the tip of my consciousness, and if I lay still for just a moment longer before I open my eyes I can will the dream to coalesce into my memory so I can carry it out of bed with me and release it like ashes to the wind.  At the center of these dreams always is a really strong feeling.  It's not so much the drama or even the people in those subconscious stories that are important, it's more the overall sense of what it is I'm feeling that is the key indicator and connects them experientially with my reality.

I've somehow learned to listen to and trust these visceral sensations and not the narrative that has unfolded inside my head.  The other day I had a really intense dream about accidentally dropping my littlest one off a ledge, and the anguish is what woke me up - a general fear of trauma and tragedy, I think.  This morning I was dreaming of a snowy evening at a friend's house, strewn with my art and possessions as well as feelings of uncertainty in a place and circumstance where I didn't really feel like I belonged, themes I have also been touching upon lately.

Most of the time this is the tenor of my nighttime wanderings... intense and emotional.  They don't (usually) feel like nightmares, but more like the necessary output of a mind that is constantly working through these thoughts and fears in real time, some days more fervently than others.  I think it allows me to safely feel things in a way and at a depth I simply can't go to while awake.  It's a way for my mind to filter out anxiety, search for better understanding, and let negative energy go.  It can be exhausting but I think it's all a critical part of my own organic process, as sometimes a dream will shoot like an arrow straight through truth and I'll wake up suddenly understanding a certain situation or relationship better, like summiting a peak of emotional acknowledgement and seeing things breathtakingly clear for the first time.

I often wonder if other people dream like this too, at such a pace and velocity.  I ask Alex all the time about his dreams and he rarely remembers them, or only tiny bits and pieces of them.  Sometimes I can't help but think that might be the easier way, but it's just not how I'm wired.  I still have visions of dreams I've had long ago that have stayed with me because of their persistent and meaningful themes that eventually mellow into a familiar companion.  I never know where they might take me next, but I am grateful for their insight.



Popular posts from this blog

Inner Alchemy Cards: Build A New World Deck

Our next make-your-own card adventure is finally here! Inner Alchemy Collage: Build A New World Deck (online) is an artful exploration of language, learning, inspiration, and collaboration, that delves into important ideas around activism and systems of oppression. This is a way for us to examine and disrupt harmful dominant narratives, tell new stories, and inspire one another to use our creativity and personal power to help build the collective world we all want to live in! In the end you will have a beautiful and meaningful handmade deck of 35 oracle cards to use as unique a tool for guidance and reflection whenever you need it.  I'm your host,  Mindy Tsonas Choi , an artist, organizer, radical belonging activist, and the founder of the Be Seen Project - a grassroots initiative resourcing BIPOC artist and makers working in activism. Join me along with other stellar artists, makers and co-creators who have also been exploring social justice and activism as part of their creativ

The Cost of Selling Belonging

As someone who use to sell belonging and believed I was creating something universally magical , I now have fresh eyes on the harm that I once caused. I understand what can (and was) incredibly healing and impactful for some, was at the same time excluding, marginalizing and undervaluing others. First, to anyone who ever felt like they did not belong to anything I created because they were unable to afford it or felt like they did not have the social capitol to join -  I am sincerely sorry for not seeing you sooner .   To our entire creative community as a whole, I urge us all to think about belonging in new and equitable ways, and to do the work of dismantling these hierarchical structures that leave so many people out of the circle. We all deserve to have access to creativity and belonging, and I'd go so far as to say both are fundamental basic human needs and rights. Selling belonging can look like... Creating spaces and experiences that can only be accessed by buying in at one,

what's in a name?

It’s May 14, 2020 and I’m on a transnational call with a social worker and translator of the SOS Children’s Village offices in South Korea. It’s 7pm my time and 9am the next day in Korea, which adds to the surreal quality of the moment. It is my first long distance call following my inquiry with the organization documented to be my first place of entry into the system, found in my Korean records (the acquisition of which is an incredible story in and of itself). It was July 21, 1972 and I was 5 months old. It’s a small miracle the organization still exists, and an even bigger blessing that they took such time and care in searching for information and to talk it all through with me in person. I try not to cry as the call connects. What I learn is a lot of small details about that fateful evening which amount to nothing traceable, but still feel like huge missing pieces of my life. I was left near the entrance around 7pm under a small tree, wrapped in a blanket with only a name scribble