I have been deeply listing and reading and thinking about things. It's new territory I'm exploring, a different space that now exists inside of me. It doesn't feel like the uncomfortable drama of growing pains, but rather a quiet and deeper sinking in to my own tender, new roots. It feels like spring inside and out.
One of the things that is pulling me in a new direction is work, something I have been contemplating for a long time. After the art show on Sunday, I finally realized that a piece of what I was missing in my previous work was structure. I never really created a distinct container for my creative goals, and so it tended to bleed into all areas of my life. I worked hard and got a lot of stuff done, but I can see now how that didn't really nourish me or my work. It just kept me busy - the new four letter word of the year. Even more importantly though, defining this structure I realize is an integral part of honoring the true commitment to sacred work, and a place I was never daring enough to completely go. I never committed to my creativity in this way.
I'm stepping-in instead of always chasing-down, which is action incredibly grounded in clarity while also being unmistakably expansive at the same time.
And it's not the flashy blossoming of leaping into the next best thing. That's actually what I am trying really hard to avoid. It's more the silent inner growth happening in all directions that only I can see and feel. I couldn't successfully keep reaching outward without holding on deeper and sturdier at the roots. This shift is exactly what I'm experiencing and it's allowing me to truly trust the process and follow my intuitive voice that is now more certain than ever.
It also has me craving truth and story... simple yet rich narratives that speak to this core connection with self, as well as igniting my own desire to exist and find my voice in such a wide open way. I have been listening to podcasts and interviews with some amazing women which is really helping me to understand the subtle but powerful difference between simply exposing intimate details and sharing a personal truth. This is what I am now learning to do in my art and in my life. It's created so many ah-ha moments for me, acknowledgments and discoveries of a person who I always sensed I was but couldn't find through all those layers of busy-ness and chaos and confusing emotions. I've never felt more open and complete.
It's still scary and emotional work and probably always will be, but now the uncertainty is more about embracing the vulnerability than it is about being judged or rejected. There is a new wild abandon I'm plunging into over and over again which conversely grows strength and real possibility, and every time I do - trust my life in this new way - it creates a connection to myself that is ripe with gentle wisdom and overflowing gratitude that feels like something close to grace.