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jun.4 {macro micro}

{macro}  The big picture.  Every time I see a hawk now, this is the phrase that pops into my head. While on our way to a mini vacation over the weekend there was the reminder again, quite a large hawk sitting on the big, green highway sign announcing our exit.  Even my son noticed it and thought that it was cool, but a bit odd.  So I keep trying to get a wider view of things, zooming my perspective further and further out and trying to remember not to get stuck on the minor details.  I'm in the process of creating a desire map, charting how I want my life to feel and the many ways in which to get there.

Right now there are many aspects of my life that feel solid and nourishing, but there are others that are still like the pea under the princess's mattress - no matter how much I pile on top I can still feel them which is subsequently keeping me from really sleeping well at night.  I know, I know... it's getting rid of said problems that is the real solution, not just covering them up with diversions and distractions, which sometimes I do without noticing.  The simple fact that I've been feeling pretty stressed and relatively unwell lately are signs that I am indeed ignoring a significant part of the landscape.

So, I am thinking pragmatically about my what supports I truly need and how I can realistically fit them in.  The equation is theoretically simple - take what's not working and apply what is needed to fix it - but all the variables and the complex algebraic nature of things makes it seem more difficult than it probably is.  And I was never really very good at math.  But I also know that this particular tangle is a bit of a self perpetuating way of attempting to excuse myself from really having to address the work.  Hence the pea and the mattresses.

{micro}  One thing is, I think it is time for me to find a homeopath.  I am really feeling the pull in the direction of needing a more well rounded and balanced system and approach to my health instead of always just addressing symptoms.  I want to feel well from the inside out, and not just be patched and held together by medical band-aids, because that is kind of how it feels right now.  Things are working okay, but overall it just doesn't feel like I am really getting to the core problem.  The other piece of it is I need to treat my physical self with a lot more TLC, like with exercise and better eating habits, more support, and less reliance on emotional band-aids.

The other is working on my relationship with money.  There is definitely a common theme here.  I basically need the same attention and extra support to nourish my financial life as well.  I know at the root these two things are somehow intertwined.  There has been a lot of abstract thinking and unsubstantiated intentions throughout the years around both of these things, but I'm pretty sure it comes down to honoring and investing in myself, feeling worthy of receiving that energy, and accepting that avoidance is not the easiest route in the long run.  This is the lesson over and over and over.

But I think I've come to a place where it is all now on the desire map.

I can see all the little steps that have helped me shift enough pieces and shed some of the old narratives that have kept some aspects of my life on repeat for a long time... deciding to live creatively, exploring a more honest intimacy with my husband, hiring an accountant, flossing my teeth every day, painting as a soulful practice, hugging my oldest son more often, getting more comfortable with vulnerability, having a physical every year, shifting the focus of Wishstudio, and ultimately learning what truly makes me happy.

The scales have tipped somewhere along the way and it has become more and more necessary to embrace my life in it's entirety, and tend to all of it as a whole.  So my well-being is less of an abstract notion or separate side note, and more of a sincere reality that needs to be integrated and nurtured every single day in order for me to feel grounded and experience the kind of harmony I know my life is capable of.  My inner compass is pointing me in the right direction and I am more attune to this inner guide than I ever have been.

I just have to choose to keep finding the way, and listen.