Skip to main content

jul.10 {hello middle age...can we please just get along?}



It's been an eventful week... summer camp for the oldest has begun, my littlest turned four yesterday, and I think that I've had my first real and unceremonious encounter with menopause.  Yep.

Sunday night I woke up out of a dead sleep because my heart was racing.  It was enough of a pound, pound, pounding and dizziness that it had me up and out of bed taking my pulse and considering going to the emergency room.  Rationally, I thought it was maybe anxiety, but I couldn't really put my finger on any overwhelming source of stress.  I'd had one panic attack about six years ago that ultimately did send me to the ER and thankfully turned out to be nothing, and this felt similar.  So I breathed through it enough to fall back asleep, but I kept waking up with the same intense fight-or-flight sensation. Needless to say the next day I felt horrible, so I called my doctor to make an appointment for later in the week and she promptly sent me to to the hospital.  Had she not insisted and gone ahead and pre-admitted me I probably would not have gone in.  I really felt like it was something other than an emergency cardiac scenario, but the next day was my son's birthday and the tiny sliver of uncertainty had me thinking how I didn't want his celebration to become the day his mom ended up dying.  How horrible would that be?

To my relief, it did end up being nothing emergent.  All the tests were good, they gave me some fluids for dehydration (damn heat), and sent me home.  The next night when I was up at 2am with the same disconcerting symptoms it somehow suddenly occurred to me that it could be hormonal...the big M.  I googled the symptoms of menopause and lo and behold I was a dead ringer for about 8 out of 10 of them, average onset in the early forties.  That explains a lot.  I guess I am of that age after all, and now I'm also wondering how many women end up in the emergency room with these early symptoms?  So now it's on to figuring out how to manage this next phase of womanhood.  Thoughts, suggestions, pretty please?

Today, I feel a little clearer and have a bit more energy to tackle some of the projects waiting in the wings.  The painting I started last week, the final zine edits, getting ready for a gallery event tomorrow, a collaborative fall workshop and my art journal are calling.  My creative flow overall has been like a slow drip and most of that energy went into birthday party preparations which included an Enderdragon cake (thank goodness for the bakery and Owen's brilliant idea to have the imaged printed in frosting as I was utterly struggling with how to construct such a cake) and an abundance of the requisite flourish and fun, balloons and all.  I think I've been jump started again by my four year old's sweet excitement and enthusiasm for this life and all the love that surrounds him - the stuff that's good and really matters.

I tell you, never a dull moment around here.  And it's only Wednesday.




 


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Inner Alchemy Cards: Build A New World Deck

Our next make-your-own card adventure is finally here! Inner Alchemy Collage: Build A New World Deck (online) is an artful exploration of language, learning, inspiration, and collaboration, that delves into important ideas around activism and systems of oppression. This is a way for us to examine and disrupt harmful dominant narratives, tell new stories, and inspire one another to use our creativity and personal power to help build the collective world we all want to live in! In the end you will have a beautiful and meaningful handmade deck of 35 oracle cards to use as unique a tool for guidance and reflection whenever you need it.  I'm your host,  Mindy Tsonas Choi , an artist, organizer, radical belonging activist, and the founder of the Be Seen Project - a grassroots initiative resourcing BIPOC artist and makers working in activism. Join me along with other stellar artists, makers and co-creators who have also been exploring social justice and activism as part of their creativ

The Cost of Selling Belonging

As someone who use to sell belonging and believed I was creating something universally magical , I now have fresh eyes on the harm that I once caused. I understand what can (and was) incredibly healing and impactful for some, was at the same time excluding, marginalizing and undervaluing others. First, to anyone who ever felt like they did not belong to anything I created because they were unable to afford it or felt like they did not have the social capitol to join -  I am sincerely sorry for not seeing you sooner .   To our entire creative community as a whole, I urge us all to think about belonging in new and equitable ways, and to do the work of dismantling these hierarchical structures that leave so many people out of the circle. We all deserve to have access to creativity and belonging, and I'd go so far as to say both are fundamental basic human needs and rights. Selling belonging can look like... Creating spaces and experiences that can only be accessed by buying in at one,

what's in a name?

It’s May 14, 2020 and I’m on a transnational call with a social worker and translator of the SOS Children’s Village offices in South Korea. It’s 7pm my time and 9am the next day in Korea, which adds to the surreal quality of the moment. It is my first long distance call following my inquiry with the organization documented to be my first place of entry into the system, found in my Korean records (the acquisition of which is an incredible story in and of itself). It was July 21, 1972 and I was 5 months old. It’s a small miracle the organization still exists, and an even bigger blessing that they took such time and care in searching for information and to talk it all through with me in person. I try not to cry as the call connects. What I learn is a lot of small details about that fateful evening which amount to nothing traceable, but still feel like huge missing pieces of my life. I was left near the entrance around 7pm under a small tree, wrapped in a blanket with only a name scribble