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easy would be good, but it's just not our path

... which is exactly what I wrote in a text to Alex this morning after a bit of a wrenching day yesterday.  

This morning, there's a jumble in my head that wants to be written out... about love and pain and connection and resilience, and healing, but I'm not totally sure what the words want to say because none of them are tangible.  They aren't even solid feelings, just a huge collision of the mundane and extraordinary stuff of this life.  

... it is new circumstances that open up old wounds that throw us back into forgiveness over and over again for just how human and how complex we all are.  

... it's feeling that invisible web of indomitable strength and intimate connectedness always there to catch us each and every time we fall.  It is the unmistakable importance of family being there to step in and say, "I've got you.  I'm here for you.  Life is hard, but it will be okay.", and how intricately nuanced yet achingly simple this really is.  

... it is an abrupt arrival in a moment as a whole person, past and present, chaos and light, and needs and strengths and imperfections all being weighed upon and making me acutely aware of what is indestructible and utterly vulnerable at the same time.

I think it's just the price of living awake and aware, of striving to do and be better, of owning my shit and trying to leverage what strengths I possess while fumbling in the dark a bit to make up the rules as I go.  As a grown-up now, with kids, it's so important for me to convey these truths that have taken me a lifetime to become aware of:  Be only the person you are and follow your own path.  Life is as unbearable as it is beautiful and we can't and shouldn't go it alone, as so much of our resilience and joy lies in connecting with each other.... and... No matter what, you are loved. 
These are the lessons distilled into simplest of terms that seem to be the cornerstones to everything, and I know in some way that these are also what each of us has to figure out for ourselves over a lifetime of triumphs and devastations which as a parent adds this layer of helplessness at certain times.  Our experiences create our own reality that can both reshape the past and determine in some ways the future.  There is no script.  You can't skip ahead.  It's not even linear.  It's everything inextricably exploding and tangled together, and where Love is all that matters in any of it.



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