One of the defining moments for me this past weekend was sitting inside the safe glow of a candlelit table across from E, and telling her my authentic sex story. She did ask after all, after I asked her about hers. And truthfully, no-one has ever directly asked me before. No one in this corner of the authentic living community at least.
It felt really, really good... finally.
To be honest, it was a little intimidating too. I did my best to walk the walk while talking the talk, and what I realized while having this conversation out loud, was that this wasn't necessarily a story about sex, at all. It was a story about communication and truth and trust.
Here I was, thinking that I just wanted people to be able to know what their true desires are, and I do - that is a big part of it -----> name it and claim it, baby <----- but I was never clear about the why and the how. Like I said, clarity people!
So the WHY is this: we can not live authentically, be joyfully who we are most meant to be, if we deny any part of who we are. Whether it be creatively, sexually, spiritually, vocationally, relationally, and on and on and on... And the more we can show up in our true desires, get intimate with what we really want beyond fear and shame and external influences, and ask for it OUT LOUD..... like, with another human being and not just the universe (though I do that as well, for good measure), the closer we get to FREEDOM.
And do you know what real freedom tastes like?
It's weightlessness. It's bliss. It's pure, unabashed love! These are the moments I want to try to live inside of as much as I possibly can - intimately communing with who I am. As the saying goes..... god lives in you, as You.
I believe sex is just one of those conversations so few of us are truly having. What I also believe is that this part of the conversation is a critical and potentially transformative piece of the equation, because sex is all about intimacy.... personal intimacy, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, relational intimacy... you can't get more real than that because it encompasses everything you are - body, mind and spirit.
What I know from experience, and what is encouraging news for those a bit more uncertain, is that once you have gone there and dug around in the dark corners and evicted shame to claim this sort of pleasure for yourself, discovering every other personal truth is so much easier by comparison! Owning what you want sexually is simply one of the highest bars you can clear.
I didn't know this at the time.
So when I went to Alex a few years ago and asked to experience this one sexual desire - one I had thought about my entire life, and knew I'd regret if I never experienced it - and he wasn't ready to sign on the dotted line himself but let me, with an open heart and without judgement, discover it on my own -----> this changed everything in my life and especially in my marriage.
Ask and you shall receive.
You might have to ask more than once. You might have to ask a different person. It's a scary litmus test. I know. I do not say that lightly, but isn't this the truth for asking for what we want in amy realm? Alex and I had to work through a lot of fears and questions. We still do. But the freedom, the reward for standing in your truth?!?
There is nothing fucking like it. This, I know for certain.
First, we have to trust the value of our own desires, and this is where I think a lot of us get tripped up. But it's where it all begins.