As I move further and further into integration, it becomes more and more evident where my life is not aligned. The parts that need more attention begin to squeak loudly and beg for TLC, for healing.
The signals are clear, my aching joints, my still healing belly and the pains from surgery, high cholesterol, a broken tooth, skin that needs smoothing and clearing, the extra weight I am carrying around that alway seems to feel in the way -- a hindrance both actual and metaphorical.
-----> I need to heal my relationship with this body in order to truly thrive.
It's not about discomfort or shame or wanting to look a certain way superficially. I have learned huge lessons about letting go and trusting my body through my own sexuality and acceptance over the last many years. It's more an inner sense of misalignment, a disparaging difference between how I feel on the inside with how I feel physically and manifest in my own body. That the skin I am in does not wholly reflect the person that I am. It isn't about beauty or weight or what I put on every day. There certainly are many moments when I feel beautiful, but I realize more and more how this reflects something deeply engrained not something at all external.
I feel like this is a huge pivot point for me in my work, because I know with all the truth of my being that healing my body isn't about eating the right food or getting enough exercise, or even medical necessity.
-----> It is entirely about the core belief of self love.
And being kind and loving to one's self is that hardest practice of all.
It's scary saying this out loud because it forces me to somehow show up, to confront something where in the past I have always felt like a failure. For as long as I can remember I've felt disconnected and unhappy in my body, even when I was a gymnast and a size 7 - so I know it isn't about the weight.
I understand deeply that it's also not about perfection or a beginning and end. It is a dynamic, organic process, that just like in any faith or practice, only when I truly believe on an integrated and cellular level, that relationship will finally shift.
We all have our barriers, the things we most struggle with that keep us from reaching our inner most happiness, and it's a process of learning and growing and becoming that gets us there. I was just having this very conversation with a dear friend and guide who believes the same thing, that when we reach certain level of personal truth and wild self love, the barriers disintegrate and joy is delivered in the form of whatever it is our heart is seeking.
I've been circling this pace for a long time, but I know I'm inching closer. I see the signs, and I will get there. This much I know.
Because my curiosity is growing... I can't wait to see what magic awaits on the other side.