I'm not going to lie. This word that I chose feels like a huge challenge.
It's not that I don't think I walk the walk with the work I do and the things I share. But the honest truth is that I've been really disconnected with my physical body for a long time. I've fallen into this pattern of sort of doing the bare minimum to keep this vessel moving and grooving, which feels so out of alignment with all the progress I have made in my spiritual and emotional growth.
It feels like I am all heart, head and sacral energy. Disembodied. Floating.
It's the basic things, like I need to goto the dentist, and my eyes have changed with age and it's time for new glasses. It is also the more overarching abstractions, the energetic code I can't quite seem to crack with how I have been choosing to take care of myself and how these things always somehow fall to the bottom of my list. It is the lesson that comes up for me over and over.
Being really present in my sexual body over the last several years has really called my attention to this disparity. I am not comfortable in my own skin. This is not in a judgmental sense or a shame-based assessment of being something others expect me to be, but really in the literal way of not feeling good or healthy in my body. Yet, I really struggle with making the necessary changes. It feels scary to admit that.
I know it is not intellectual or outside knowledge I need for this kind of alignment and integration. It's something else entirely - an awareness I haven't been able to truly touch yet, deep in the narratives of my own enough-ness. I've had inklings, but no real revelations.
And so I am fighting my way down this path because it is time, to discover and nurture and heal and become more fully integrated with my physical being, this year. I want to Be more embodied, whole, and healthy as an entire human being.
It is, in this moment, the missing piece.