Skip to main content

the shadow side

Well, that was an unexpectedly treacherous month.

Even best laid plans can go awry, and February was one of those months that was a huge challenge in every way. Relationship hurdles, hard parenting situations, and an emotional and physical roller coaster that took me through two pregnancy tests and the dregs of my psyche. Pile twenty feet of snow on top of that, and you could say the gremlins had a free for all. It started off with loads of potential, wild love even, but as these times go control began to slip away. Maybe that's the crux of the problem. Trying to control things I ultimately could not, or at the very least, felt powerless against. Nothing saps my energy more. And so the shadow side has room to run rampant.

For me, the shadow side of true living is that in those vulnerable moments when I'm just not able to show up in the way I want to, the narrative can shift to tell me that my life is a fraud. That I can't really walk the walk. That I have no right to be spreading words of empowerment when I can't even manage what is going on under my own roof. I lose sight of the big picture and get stuck in the stuckness. Worse case scenario, when my vibration is low and my body is weak and my circumstances are monumentally challenging, I can end up on the couch self medicating with reruns of Cupcake Wars.

I feel broken.

I forget my power.

I can't hear my voice or feel my pulse.

In the past this would often be what a free fall into depression would look like, a downward spiral into letting the helplessness and negative emotions have their way with me. I'd go missing from my blog, shut down connection, and hide from the light. Sleep becomes a coping mechanism for me. Luckily though, I have more self-sustaining tools in my toolbox these days. Instead of weeks of coming apart at the seams, it's more like patches of intensely bad days.

So, this what February was like for me. A tangled string of really ugly days interlaced with some really beautiful ones that I've learned to let myself grasp onto.

I had to fight my way through, but I am finally emerging from the fallout and taking it one day, one wildish dream at a time and finding my way back to center. What's different about these hard times now, is that when I finally do come through, I know I will be okay - that my life and work and soul are all okay and I can forgive myself for simply being my own version of human.


  1. Oh yes.... February ended up being oh so hard. Glad you have resurfaced. Yes to grasping the beautiful days.... xo

  2. thanks for being a shiny part of my not so shiny month. big love to you. xoxox


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Inner Alchemy Cards: Build A New World Deck

Our next make-your-own card adventure is finally here! Inner Alchemy Collage: Build A New World Deck (online) is an artful exploration of language, learning, inspiration, and collaboration, that delves into important ideas around activism and systems of oppression. This is a way for us to examine and disrupt harmful dominant narratives, tell new stories, and inspire one another to use our creativity and personal power to help build the collective world we all want to live in! In the end you will have a beautiful and meaningful handmade deck of 35 oracle cards to use as unique a tool for guidance and reflection whenever you need it.  I'm your host,  Mindy Tsonas Choi , an artist, organizer, radical belonging activist, and the founder of the Be Seen Project - a grassroots initiative resourcing BIPOC artist and makers working in activism. Join me along with other stellar artists, makers and co-creators who have also been exploring social justice and activism as part of their creativ

The Cost of Selling Belonging

As someone who use to sell belonging and believed I was creating something universally magical , I now have fresh eyes on the harm that I once caused. I understand what can (and was) incredibly healing and impactful for some, was at the same time excluding, marginalizing and undervaluing others. First, to anyone who ever felt like they did not belong to anything I created because they were unable to afford it or felt like they did not have the social capitol to join -  I am sincerely sorry for not seeing you sooner .   To our entire creative community as a whole, I urge us all to think about belonging in new and equitable ways, and to do the work of dismantling these hierarchical structures that leave so many people out of the circle. We all deserve to have access to creativity and belonging, and I'd go so far as to say both are fundamental basic human needs and rights. Selling belonging can look like... Creating spaces and experiences that can only be accessed by buying in at one,

what's in a name?

It’s May 14, 2020 and I’m on a transnational call with a social worker and translator of the SOS Children’s Village offices in South Korea. It’s 7pm my time and 9am the next day in Korea, which adds to the surreal quality of the moment. It is my first long distance call following my inquiry with the organization documented to be my first place of entry into the system, found in my Korean records (the acquisition of which is an incredible story in and of itself). It was July 21, 1972 and I was 5 months old. It’s a small miracle the organization still exists, and an even bigger blessing that they took such time and care in searching for information and to talk it all through with me in person. I try not to cry as the call connects. What I learn is a lot of small details about that fateful evening which amount to nothing traceable, but still feel like huge missing pieces of my life. I was left near the entrance around 7pm under a small tree, wrapped in a blanket with only a name scribble