Well, that was an unexpectedly treacherous month.
Even best laid plans can go awry, and February was one of those months that was a huge challenge in every way. Relationship hurdles, hard parenting situations, and an emotional and physical roller coaster that took me through two pregnancy tests and the dregs of my psyche. Pile twenty feet of snow on top of that, and you could say the gremlins had a free for all. It started off with loads of potential, wild love even, but as these times go control began to slip away. Maybe that's the crux of the problem. Trying to control things I ultimately could not, or at the very least, felt powerless against. Nothing saps my energy more. And so the shadow side has room to run rampant.
For me, the shadow side of true living is that in those vulnerable moments when I'm just not able to show up in the way I want to, the narrative can shift to tell me that my life is a fraud. That I can't really walk the walk. That I have no right to be spreading words of empowerment when I can't even manage what is going on under my own roof. I lose sight of the big picture and get stuck in the stuckness. Worse case scenario, when my vibration is low and my body is weak and my circumstances are monumentally challenging, I can end up on the couch self medicating with reruns of Cupcake Wars.
I feel broken.
I forget my power.
I can't hear my voice or feel my pulse.
In the past this would often be what a free fall into depression would look like, a downward spiral into letting the helplessness and negative emotions have their way with me. I'd go missing from my blog, shut down connection, and hide from the light. Sleep becomes a coping mechanism for me. Luckily though, I have more self-sustaining tools in my toolbox these days. Instead of weeks of coming apart at the seams, it's more like patches of intensely bad days.
So, this what February was like for me. A tangled string of really ugly days interlaced with some really beautiful ones that I've learned to let myself grasp onto.
I had to fight my way through, but I am finally emerging from the fallout and taking it one day, one wildish dream at a time and finding my way back to center. What's different about these hard times now, is that when I finally do come through, I know I will be okay - that my life and work and soul are all okay and I can forgive myself for simply being my own version of human.