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deep in the retrograde

The hidden gift of mercury retrograde is that the energy draws us backward and inward. It's a time for a mindful retrospective and to look for cracks in the foundation and new entry points within. Scrolling back through my photos to literally look back at my life, this was the very first one of the thousands I have saved.

Love is Life.

Yes. It's spot on with regard to what I wrote about in today's morning pages, that I need to dig in and find my source of love from within. And not just excavate it, but use it to create my own inner sustenance and sanctuary. 

I've been jammed, lately, with a lot of mind/body turmoil. It's the same song and dance I've been singing for a long time now, so I'll spare you the rehashing of details. But I know this is my greatest work, my highest bar to clear, my magnum opus of sorts - to heal this relationship I have with my own self.

It shows up in a lot of ways, on my plate, in my bank account, and through my flesh and bone. It always has. At times I think I have it figured out. I can feel the connection to that source energy that want's me to pay attention, but then somewhere along the way I lose that stream of consciousness and I find myself stuck again.

I know it is not about the external things. It doesn't really matter what I put in my refrigerator or what adorn my body with... it's all about something within. A disconnect I have had with myself for as long as I can remember. And I feel like I have dug around all the logical places, read all the books, and know where all the injuries are in my lifeline, but it admittedly somehow still feels illusive to me... that source of enoughness... and so maybe there is some shame around that too, like I should have already cracked that code a long time ago. It's a reconciliation I can't seem to get my head around. Maybe that's part of the problem, too much thinking.

So instead of thinking, I'm going to spend some time feeling - feeling the stuff I don't want to feel, and be in this retrograde and all the messiness of it. I had a sort of revelation a couple of weeks ago, that I'm not afraid of my emotions anymore. I used to be. I struggled a lot with the ups and downs of my moods, but more recently I seem to have let that go and a certain ease has come in light of that.

I've learned I can be deep in it and not fall apart.

Besides, I've done all the plans, created all of those support systems, and journaled the fuck out of what I think I need to do in order to finally make things shift. But that's clearly not it. Maybe it's just all part of the same imperfect path... two steps forward, one step back... and maybe it doesn't feel like an arrival, but rather a wildly unpredictable and overgrown path I have to slowly pick my way through. And truth be told, I know I've made progress, especially looking at the huge lesson written above. It's just slow going and patience was never one of my highest virtues.

What I do know is that this is life-long. And today I am here, not back where I started like it sometimes feels, but in the part of my core journey that feels like muck. I see it. I feel it pushing against me from all sides. And that's a good thing.

Because I also know this is where the real work happens, where shaky foundations get burned to the ground in order to rebuild.

This is the real dirty work, allowing the discomfort and embracing the truths that are revealed. If only I can allow it. And so I will circle back as many times as it takes.