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wild embodied life



Embody. It feels like forever that I've wanted to live inside this ideal, and I realize now that little by little, year after year, I was. Even when I was struggling, every turn around the sun I was learning, becoming, shedding... coming to this place of finally being able to be true in my own skin, match what's inside to what's outside.

For me this is the next lesson, and one of the most pivotal layers of my letting go.

I've been on the cusp of this change for years, especially since embracing a more authentic kind of sexuality, it's felt like a bright yearning buried somewhere just out of reach. That's the thing about authenticity, it doesn't start and end with one thing. Every truth unearths the next, and you either choose to embrace each as it comes and evolve or fight it and stay in some way stuck. As my kids have taught me, it's all about leveling up, and my soul whispers the same urgent message... keep going... more freedom, more light.

Most of my life I have fought this lesson and have lived inside this silent war with myself. My relationship with food and nourishment is complex. I thought for a long time it was about coming into this world literally starving and that my formative early months as an orphan had carved a swath of irrevocable pain and hunger into my spirit. I read the books. I talked to my therapist. I mourned for that baby who was never fed enough, who's picture I look at and see a malnourished ghost of a girl. She was me. For a long time I could not even bear to acknowledge that truth.

Until finally, this turn around, I realized that food for me was fear. Every thought. Every bite. Every meal for as long as I can remember. Fear of not ever having enough, and, that ultimately it wasn't about what was on my plate. It was really a fear about not enough love - about believing that in some way I was not lovable. It was the story I believed I was born into.

Somewhere down the road, food then became a way for me to not love myself. I could eat to keep myself from having to really show up, from having to feel the feelings I needed to address. I wasn't eating to nourish, I was eating to smother, to annihilate.

And so I've felt smothered in this way for so many years. Buried under forty extra pounds of fear.

What I know now, better nourishment isn't about knowing what to eat or how to exercise. It's about knowing why I'm choosing to eat in a way that is not serving me. It's not about wanting to be thinner, or about needing to get my blood pressure in check (both of which have been true for a very long time). It is about choosing to feel all the things I've been avoiding, and choosing to live inside of each moment as honestly and openly as possible. It's about consciously not shutting down.

More and more my soul aches for alignment, integration, freedom and light! It demands it, actually. This is the shift - that it is more unbearable to live numbly inside of discontent and disconnect than it is to do the work. But it takes effort, time, lessons to get there, one baby step in front of the next. Not a meal plan. Not a personal trainer. But the desire to actively choose love in the form of nourishment. Every thought. Every bite. Every meal.

And so this is the transformation I am deep inside of. It's been since May that I've been slowly making this shift, and it has been surprisingly natural, easy even. I think I was just so completely ready. And so I am shedding like never before.

Old ideas about hunger.

Clothes that don't fit me any longer.

The pain and fear that showed up as pounds and inches.

I feel immeasurably lighter already. My knees and heart thank me with every step, but my soul is what feels brighter and more embodied. I can see with more clarity. And that dialogue of fear I used to inhabit every time I sat with a fork in my hand.... gone. I'm completely at peace at the table. It feels like a miracle.

Instead, there is only love, joy, wisdom, abundance and pleasure.

It is work, a commitment for sure, but it's where my spirit needs me to go to take on whatever is next.

This is my #wildembodiedlife











Comments

  1. Love you! Love your brave wild soul SO MUCH!!

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    1. love you!!! and you've been an amazing teacher to me in all the beauty you cultivate around food. thank you for those gorgeous soul-full lessons! xoxo

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  2. Mindy, this is so powerful. I too recognize that “bright yearning buried somewhere just out of reach.” I want that authenticity, to create “alignment, integration, freedom and light!” As someone who’s struggled with weight much of my life, I knew about the idea of eating to fill that hole (not being fed enough love). And over time, I’d even acknowledged the concept of “eating our feelings” … But your words & images—especially the violence of fear, of smothering and annihilating our emotions—are deeply powerful. Then you continue your journey, bringing yourself (and us along with you) onto a path of acceptance (embracing the shadow, so to speak). That carries you into a place of peace and awareness so that you can take meaningful action around eating. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your superb “food for thought”!

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    1. thank you, for the kindness and honoring. I think we all struggle in one way or another, and it can manifest in so many different ways... we aren't alone in our search for enough-ness. I think it's part of being human. I so appreciate this nod and all of these thoughts. thanks for sharing them, and so much love and light on your journey.

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  3. So powerful! Words for me to think about...too much eating here to fill other voids - sadness, fear, uneasiness. Thank you for these words.

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    1. so grateful for you sharing here. I think awareness and thoughtfulness are big steps along the path, and forward momentum. you are strong and amazing! big blessings to you!

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  4. Thank you thankyouthankyou! Such a rich and complex connection and topic. There is my story around food (as control ... the one thing I had some say over ... but not really!) and then there is my daughter's story. We just returned from adoption heritage camp - our sixth year - and your words here give me language and tools to share with my girl. Food was a big conversation there ... it is so wrapped up in survival, first chakra issues and then layer onto it all of our messages around "life being sweet" and comfort via food and messages of love and wow, it is confusing! But your experience shows the importance of opening up the conversation around feelings and allowing space for ALL of them to exist side-by-side. Especially allowing that there is and will be sadness mixed in with the love and happiness. So much to think about and explore! xo

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    1. Lisa, I'm so glad this resonates with you, for both you and your daughter. I understand the lesson now, from both sides. So interesting they talked about food at heritage camp, how it's so wrapped up in survival. Yes. And it is the full spectrum of emotions around both the celebration and abundance, and the survival that is so so pivotal. so happy these words help provide a bit of insight. I've loved witnessing your journey with your sweet girl, over the years <3

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  5. Thank you for sharing this. It is beautifully written and well thought.

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