For me this is the next lesson, and one of the most pivotal layers of my letting go.
I've been on the cusp of this change for years, especially since embracing a more authentic kind of sexuality, it's felt like a bright yearning buried somewhere just out of reach. That's the thing about authenticity, it doesn't start and end with one thing. Every truth unearths the next, and you either choose to embrace each as it comes and evolve or fight it and stay in some way stuck. As my kids have taught me, it's all about leveling up, and my soul whispers the same urgent message... keep going... more freedom, more light.
Most of my life I have fought this lesson and have lived inside this silent war with myself. My relationship with food and nourishment is complex. I thought for a long time it was about coming into this world literally starving and that my formative early months as an orphan had carved a swath of irrevocable pain and hunger into my spirit. I read the books. I talked to my therapist. I mourned for that baby who was never fed enough, who's picture I look at and see a malnourished ghost of a girl. She was me. For a long time I could not even bear to acknowledge that truth.
Until finally, this turn around, I realized that food for me was fear. Every thought. Every bite. Every meal for as long as I can remember. Fear of not ever having enough, and, that ultimately it wasn't about what was on my plate. It was really a fear about not enough love - about believing that in some way I was not lovable. It was the story I believed I was born into.
Somewhere down the road, food then became a way for me to not love myself. I could eat to keep myself from having to really show up, from having to feel the feelings I needed to address. I wasn't eating to nourish, I was eating to smother, to annihilate.
And so I've felt smothered in this way for so many years. Buried under forty extra pounds of fear.
What I know now, better nourishment isn't about knowing what to eat or how to exercise. It's about knowing why I'm choosing to eat in a way that is not serving me. It's not about wanting to be thinner, or about needing to get my blood pressure in check (both of which have been true for a very long time). It is about choosing to feel all the things I've been avoiding, and choosing to live inside of each moment as honestly and openly as possible. It's about consciously not shutting down.
More and more my soul aches for alignment, integration, freedom and light! It demands it, actually. This is the shift - that it is more unbearable to live numbly inside of discontent and disconnect than it is to do the work. But it takes effort, time, lessons to get there, one baby step in front of the next. Not a meal plan. Not a personal trainer. But the desire to actively choose love in the form of nourishment. Every thought. Every bite. Every meal.
And so this is the transformation I am deep inside of. It's been since May that I've been slowly making this shift, and it has been surprisingly natural, easy even. I think I was just so completely ready. And so I am shedding like never before.
Old ideas about hunger.
Clothes that don't fit me any longer.
The pain and fear that showed up as pounds and inches.
I feel immeasurably lighter already. My knees and heart thank me with every step, but my soul is what feels brighter and more embodied. I can see with more clarity. And that dialogue of fear I used to inhabit every time I sat with a fork in my hand.... gone. I'm completely at peace at the table. It feels like a miracle.
Instead, there is only love, joy, wisdom, abundance and pleasure.
It is work, a commitment for sure, but it's where my spirit needs me to go to take on whatever is next.
This is my #wildembodiedlife