It is week six of this new rhythm.
My parts are getting to know one another and I am getting to know them, as my therapist would say.
I woke up this morning after dreaming about The House. For as long as I can remember I have always dreamt about these houses... big, grand, beautiful ones with long hallways and huge rooms and so many secrets and fear places inside. In my twenties, there was a tall staircase with a locked door at the top, inside the house I dreamt of back then. I always walked up to go try the handle and it never would open, until one day it did and then the house changed. Somewhere in my thirties, I could freely wander through the vast courtyard and the third floor expanse, but it always felt like a dark and scary place, a haunted place I did not want to be. So the shadow rooms always stayed empty and uninhabited. I rarely would go there, but I could always feel their pull even when the dream was about something else entirely and took place in another part of the house.
Last night I was in a new house, floor after floor of crooked rooms at odd angles, and cluttered with piles and piles of stuff. It always feels familiar, so much like home yet always scary in places, but this house was different, no hidden places. Every room though, was filled with an overwhelming amount of things from past and present, trash and treasure. And so I just started cleaning.
Alex said to me after I told him about my dream, that I am the house. Of course. Makes so much sense, and I'm not sure why I never really thought of this.
These are my parts.
It's taken me decades to reach some of these deepest parts of my psyche, especially the ones I have no language for or memory of, but they are emerging little by little. Like in my dream, it all seems like an overwhelming mess, but I am slowly clearing and de-cluttering, and most importantly I finally feel like I have access to see what's underneath. It is incredibly exciting and also extremely terrifying -- I'm in the sweet spot of transformation, for sure.