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crossing emotional oceans

My life as I know it only came to into being after flying across half the world's water at just ten month's old, and my marriage vows spoke of the 'moving sea between two souls'. I live with a view of the Atlantic right outside my window, and she whispers to me and reminds me every day to not be afraid of her vastness.

The work I am doing around my adoption and the loss of abandonment, has me wading into oceans of grief again and again. It is pain I can't at all remember, having been so young when I was relinquished by my birth family, yet I feel it so viscerally and with every fiber of my being. The sadness is immense and deeply embedded. It's a part of me in ways I am still discovering. To truly go there I have always feared drowning, and I see now that when depression overwhelmed me it was those core beliefs of not-enoughness that had somehow seeped there way in. That cycle is being broken, and I am finally strong enough to swim out to my younger self and save her. I'm on the most important rescue mission of my life.

While there will always be a physical ocean between me and my past, but there are also those inside my current relationships as well. On this side of my life I realize how I am still in some ways separated in from people I love and long to be closer to. Miles of distance, words unspoken, emotions not shared, truths not seen, and as healing work goes it will always move you closer to some people and further away from others.

So I also find myself trying to build bridges to the people I don't want to lose, and wanting to navigate depths that feel unfamiliar and treacherous. I will always long to close the gap. It may just mean staying on shore where it is easy and safe, but that is difficult to do for someone who is made of water and can only wholly be seen at.......

No one should be alone in their oceans.

I do know that not everyone wants to learn to swim, or go as far or as deep as I wish to. I can accept that. That's the perilous part about being a Seeker. My husband reassures me that sending out a beacon is all I can do, and I'll always know he is with me at every fathom. I can't imagine a love more far-reaching, strong and true. He is one of the few people who is willing to swim across his own oceans to reach me.

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