Skip to main content

immolation


"Go within, or go without. You must be brave enough to ask for what you want, but strong enough not to get it. You must be strong enough to transform what you are given into that which you need." 


I am currently in a season of deepest level change. Everything wants to be examined, upended, and renewed. My sense of home, my heart, my relationships, my work, are all in a state of mass deconstruction. Every single facet is seeking renegotiation for deeper safety and greater fulfillment. My life is begging for permission to take up more space, and for me to say YES to the things I've never allowed myself to want. Things that maybe I never quite believed I deserved, like more presence, more security, more love.

In my body, it feels like wearing clothes that no longer fit. Nothing in my world feels quite like it used to. In an existential way it seems as though in every sense of the word, I am leaving. I know that what is really happening is that I'm shedding some of my oldest limiting beliefs.

I am coming through a fiery, disruptive, healing season of Death.

What that looks like specifically is the messy and heavy process of grief giving way to great amounts of space opening up for what's next. Saying goodbye to these parts that no longer serve is not especially easy. They are deeply embedded scripts that fight tooth and nail every inch of the way out the door and leave behind a kind of emptiness that at first, feels more terrifying than anything.

In this expansion I'm having to reimagine all the physical and emotional spaces I inhabit and ask myself, "Where do I want to arrive? What do I want to let in?" This feels simultaneously like a profound and extraordinary gift and an impossible act of trust. It's incredibly hard to wish for what you can't quite imagine, like asking for something that doesn't yet exist. The answers are all unclear. Around the edges, it feels like heat, aliveness, comfort and liberation.

So right now, as the smoke clears and I begin to see what's left standing, there is a lot of slow circling and visioning and dreaming new dreams. Really, I'm manifesting an entire new paradigm, holding on to huge amounts of faith that the wilderness is always within me, and will indeed return.

But first, everything old must go.

My springtime is around the corner. I can taste hints of green and the promise of warmth rising up within me.

I know, somewhere deep inside the unknown, I am the forest. And stronger than I believe.







Popular posts from this blog

Inner Alchemy Cards: Build A New World Deck

Our next make-your-own card adventure is finally here! Inner Alchemy Collage: Build A New World Deck (online) is an artful exploration of language, learning, inspiration, and collaboration, that delves into important ideas around activism and systems of oppression. This is a way for us to examine and disrupt harmful dominant narratives, tell new stories, and inspire one another to use our creativity and personal power to help build the collective world we all want to live in! In the end you will have a beautiful and meaningful handmade deck of 35 oracle cards to use as unique a tool for guidance and reflection whenever you need it.  I'm your host,  Mindy Tsonas Choi , an artist, organizer, radical belonging activist, and the founder of the Be Seen Project - a grassroots initiative resourcing BIPOC artist and makers working in activism. Join me along with other stellar artists, makers and co-creators who have also been exploring social justice and activism as part of their creativ

The Cost of Selling Belonging

As someone who use to sell belonging and believed I was creating something universally magical , I now have fresh eyes on the harm that I once caused. I understand what can (and was) incredibly healing and impactful for some, was at the same time excluding, marginalizing and undervaluing others. First, to anyone who ever felt like they did not belong to anything I created because they were unable to afford it or felt like they did not have the social capitol to join -  I am sincerely sorry for not seeing you sooner .   To our entire creative community as a whole, I urge us all to think about belonging in new and equitable ways, and to do the work of dismantling these hierarchical structures that leave so many people out of the circle. We all deserve to have access to creativity and belonging, and I'd go so far as to say both are fundamental basic human needs and rights. Selling belonging can look like... Creating spaces and experiences that can only be accessed by buying in at one,

what's in a name?

It’s May 14, 2020 and I’m on a transnational call with a social worker and translator of the SOS Children’s Village offices in South Korea. It’s 7pm my time and 9am the next day in Korea, which adds to the surreal quality of the moment. It is my first long distance call following my inquiry with the organization documented to be my first place of entry into the system, found in my Korean records (the acquisition of which is an incredible story in and of itself). It was July 21, 1972 and I was 5 months old. It’s a small miracle the organization still exists, and an even bigger blessing that they took such time and care in searching for information and to talk it all through with me in person. I try not to cry as the call connects. What I learn is a lot of small details about that fateful evening which amount to nothing traceable, but still feel like huge missing pieces of my life. I was left near the entrance around 7pm under a small tree, wrapped in a blanket with only a name scribble