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Showing posts from February, 2018

she blooms

{ "She Blooms"  16x20 for sale here , customizable with your word or quote!} Bit by bit, it somehow happens.  The first several weeks post move, I was on complete lockdown just trying to stay present and afloat. Now with the vernal equinox in view and a full month of living and piecing things together in this house behind me, I can finally sense the fallow seeds hinting that it's almost time to crack open. This initial part of my separation and alone time has giving me the space to really feel my own rhythm, but more importantly to also watch how I move through my own process... of life, of grief, of creative work, of fear, of single motherhood, of longing... I have witnessed it all in what feels like ultra-slow motion. One... tiny... moment... to... the... next. I'm still integrating what it all means. What I know for sure is that I go way way down deep.  It's where I find my own safety and discover some of the most essential parts of my own

together and apart

Life is up and down these days. My birthday and this school vacation week both hit me in an unexpected way and had me dialing back plans and just surrendering to the truth of where I am. So many things are constantly sneaking up on me this way. One moment I'm cruising along, and the next moment some memory or mundane thing or object crosses my path, and boom, I'm puddled.  This is exactly what happened on the day I went to hand in the preliminary paperwork for our separation. After collecting the requisite records and statements, which felt seemingly innocuous enough, I found myself hesitating outside the front door of the mediators office. I was paralyzed by the moment as it hit me all at once, that I was relinquishing our marriage license (our marriage, really), and how irrevocable this was. One piece of paper, a million thoughts of our wedding day... like how my father-in-law married us and forgot his tuxedo shirt the morning of, and had to run to the mall in a craz

for witches, weirdos and feminists

Since leaving the red room, my last studio space, I've been pulling the threads of long-standing themes in my work and life to see what unravels. Really, over the last year or so, I've been feeling the pull of change in a major way, but without the clarity of what that shift might be. What I have known though, is that I've felt the gap growing between my desire to be in the world of personal growth as a lifestyle brand and my deeper roots of human services and social change. Most of you probably don't know that my very first business endeavor was creating a nonprofit organization that served underprivileged mothers. I wanted to provide a high quality, shame free experience that allowed moms to "shop" for things they needed for free, without feeling like they were getting impersonal, shoddy seconds. I created, shortly after my first son was born, a new and gently used children's boutique - the kind you'd find in any hip, upscale neighborhood - whe

studiofemme house (remember who you are)

I've been in a bit of a creative cocoon trying to vision what is next for me in my offerings and work. It's an awkward and uncomfortable place to be in, like that moment right before diving into a blank canvas where anything is possible, but where it also feels like I could make a huge mistake by getting the first move all wrong. We all know there really is no 'getting it wrong' at all, but that momentary feeling of uncertainty is enough to give pause.  What I'm trying to do is zoom way out and see with fresh eyes how I truly want to be of service through my work. I need to get lost in some large scale wild visioning that takes over one whole wall in the studio, and also take time to look back through my old Notebooks to mine for the cornerstones of what really has always wanted to come through. I think this is that hardest part about being a Seeker and wanting to constantly evolve. You never really stay in one place for very long, yet there is also a certa

this one time, in Alaska...

Two days after we got home from Alaska, I knew my marriage was over.  It wasn't that we had a terrible or tumultuous time while we were at sea. Actually, it was quite the opposite. It was full of wonder and ease and joy and I fully surrendered myself to the experience that was in and of itself extraordinary. That was, until the murder happened. Then it became something all together different and unnamable, but even that tragedy brought us all closer. The last two days where we spent our last night on the ship and then landed back in port in Seattle was where it all started to creep in -- the dread of returning home to my life that no longer felt bearable. And when I realized that was what I was actually experiencing, not just a bumpy transition from post vacation Love Boat-like bliss back to our ordinary life, I knew that it was time to go. What it felt like in my body was leaden and had me contracting into the smallest ball of sadness and anxiety, where I curled u

everything's an anchor

My kids just left this morning after spending their first week at "mom's house".  There is so much about the journey of divorce that feels completely surreal, like I'm watching a movie that's about my life, but doesn't really look or feel like my life at all. Even Luna still seems a bit bugged out. Though I'm finding it amazing how resilient we are as humans, and how the brain constantly seeks comfort and wants to avoid pain. I've been trying to stay inside mindfulness, walking a very thin line of trying to allow time and space to feel my feelings and also give in to necessary swaths of time scrolling through Pinterest and playing Bejeweled. Checking in with my kids often has been essential, and both are moving through all the changes at their own pace and in their own way. My oldest fights the idea of change transition tooth and nail, but in the end moves through it with skill and relative ease. He's learned how to communicate his feeling

but first, the body must land

It sort of took me by surprise the way the somatic experience of moving is like being hit by a cartoon anvil falling off a cliff. It completely flattened me and, quite literally, took my breath away. Every molecule in my body feel like it had been misplaced somewhere in the transfer along with the can opener and all of my favorite pens. That first night I had to keep reminding myself to breathe. Inhale... exhale... repeat. The grief was visceral and overwhelming. I had to tell myself... this is normal, this is okay, this is how it's going to go for a while, you will be okay.  My friend Jen gratefully reminds me that if you take care of the body it will take care of the rest of you. This was the necessity of week one and landing in the new house; keep the body and senses in good working order. The prescription was extraordinary amounts of sleep, remember to eat, quiet but not too much quiet, breathe fresh air, and comfort of the highest order in every shape and form (laven

house alchemy

In my world, everything an oracle. Meanings jump out at me from words, signs, symbols, colors, just about anything. So when I was house searching, I was also learning about numerology and what the different numbers mean. I thought it would be fun to share with you a compilation of what I've unearthed. First, here's how to calculate your house number if it is not already a single digit: Add each digit together to arrive at your answer. If the answer is more than one digit still, add all digits from the sum. Repeat as needed until you arrive at your single digit number. If your address includes an apartment number and/or letter, add those into the equation as well, like this... For 125-3B Ocean Street your formula would be 1+2+5+3+2 = 13, then... 1+3 = 4 The letters are as follows: (1 = A, J,S) (2 = B, K, T) (3 = C, L, U) (4 = D, M, V) (5 = E, N, W) ( 6 = F, O, X) (7 = G, P, Y) (8 = H, Q, Z) (9 = I, R) Here is what your house's number personality and