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Showing posts from May, 2018

fully belonging to my must

I've made it to the crossroads of should and must . It's taken a month of being mostly silent, a job offer that I magically manifested and ultimately turned down, an unintended meltdown at my parent's house, having zero dollars in my bank account, finding out my almost-ex has a new girlfriend, and quitting a job that is no longer sustaining me (which I haven't done yet, but am about to, because it's now taking more than it is giving). And so here I am left with the bare bones of my existence, which turns out to be the only place to finally be able to see how to move forward and start over. The fog is lifting. I've had to walk the tightrope, stripped bare, with nothing but my own heart to catch me. It's been terrifying and existentially challenging and has wrung me out over and over. I had to let myself fall apart so that I could come back together and see that I in fact do have a wide net of love and resources and community. I knew I

kite strings

I turned an invisible corner this week.  Where I've been pressed hard into an immovable wall of grief for the last month, something has finally loosened a bit. Part of it is a new job I am contemplating, wondering if I can truly be happy in a standard 9 to 5 gig that has nothing to do with my own dreams. It would mean the emotional stakes are extraordinary low, but also that I would be letting a huge part of myself go. In some ways this feels like as much a tragedy as it might be a relief.  The other part was looking up and suddenly realizing that it's almost been an entire year since Alaska. A year since I came home and knew deep in my bones, but couldn't say it yet, that it was over. Almost a year since I have had sex of any kind and intimacy only under achingly close and careful watch.  How did time go by so fast?  I'm trying to figure out where I've been, what I've learned, and where I'm heading. It still all feels muddled together l


I'm thinking about... where it all took a turn, the journal I gave to my mother, where I came from, the 23andMe results in my inbox, unopened, where I belong now, and belonging to myself, sex and sexuality in general, the story beneath the story, hungers as old as I am, necessary silence and disappearing, my beliefs about money, Arizona, and how I need to go back, french onion dip, the prevailing human spirit, my parents getting older, fear, how beautiful spring is, and how I'm still in my own winter, making things to heal my heart, fireweed and rebirth, who I am now, stillness, faking it til I make it, for real, failure and forgiveness, lilacs, what is true, today. And you?

only love

"Because sometimes that is the only way to remember what is in your bones. You must peel off your skin, and that of your mother, and her mother...until there is nothing. No scar, no skin, no flesh.  Only love."   ~ Amy Tan, The Joy Luck Club Its been two years since I took the intuitive leap and attended the  Belly and Womb Conference  on a last minute whim. I was in search of a way to release myself from a ghost story, a broken lineage of motherhood that has seemingly haunted me my entire life. I was looking for a way to claim my whole heart, to let what was lost on one side of my adoption story go, so I could finally claim what was in my present... all the love. Because I have an abiding faith in love. It's one of my deepest beliefs and maybe one of my greatest struggles, which I didn't fully see until I tattooed that word on my hand with little ceremony one summer. While sitting within  Bethany's  gracious wisdom and her work around Healing the Mot


In the interest of keeping it real with you my beloved readers, today I am struggling.  I know this too shall pass, but it doesn't make my present moment any easier.  What's helping for real is laughing with my 8 year old over all the many Strange But True facts we read together, ice cream in the sunshine after school, a real-talk Insta post, contemplating leaving Facebook, cheap sauvignon blanc, homemade pork fried rice for dinner, blue skies and warm sunshine, a walk in the park, anything green and alive, podcasts about self care and depression (I don't think I'm depressed, just still grieving, but keeping a close eye on things for sure), messages from friends, and the fact that it's 8pm and I actually made it to the end of this harrowing day. This is simply how it goes sometimes. I know this now. And thought I've never done divorce and single motherhood before, I have a sense of how the fallout happens: over time, and in waves. and in ever

queen of the night

we worked like we were home schoolers, our excuse for ditching school. we learned tulips are edible (yes, we tried them!), they are related to asparagus and onions, and the bulbs were traded as valuable commodities way back when. Wicked Tulips Farm , family owned and operated in Johnston RI. only open 2 weeks per year! I missed it last year so super happy to have gotten tickets this season. it was opening day. he has a really good eye. {photo by Owen - our favorite tulip name} {photo by Owen} there are about 3000 varieties around the world! {photo by Owen} and hyacinths - they smell so good!