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kite strings


I turned an invisible corner this week. 

Where I've been pressed hard into an immovable wall of grief for the last month, something has finally loosened a bit. Part of it is a new job I am contemplating, wondering if I can truly be happy in a standard 9 to 5 gig that has nothing to do with my own dreams. It would mean the emotional stakes are extraordinary low, but also that I would be letting a huge part of myself go. In some ways this feels like as much a tragedy as it might be a relief. 

The other part was looking up and suddenly realizing that it's almost been an entire year since Alaska. A year since I came home and knew deep in my bones, but couldn't say it yet, that it was over. Almost a year since I have had sex of any kind and intimacy only under achingly close and careful watch. 

How did time go by so fast? 

I'm trying to figure out where I've been, what I've learned, and where I'm heading. It still all feels muddled together like a thick fog hovering over the marsh. There are very few things I am absolutely certain of these days, and so it's been like paddling a tiny life raft in a vast ocean with no land in sight to anchor to. Most of the time I'm just trying to feel all the things I need to feel... joy, anger, sadness, desire, truth, trust, my own heartbeat... and this week I felt something new. A longing to be free of the tangled mess in the past and to cut the strings that are keeping me from really soaring. 

It feels like forgiveness might be close. 


Comments

  1. yes, just feel the things. let it flow. you are held.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I understand this so much Mindy... this (apparent) letting go of our dream in order to sustain those we love. And yet Mindy, a part of me knows (please read in italic here) that it is our dreams who hold us more than we hold them. And that they will find a way to come back to you - to rise up from the apparent desolation of our soul, transformed into something that is perhaps more quiet, and yet still as powerful.

    You are a teacher, and gatherer, a healer Mindy. A soul which is not afraid of exploring all the crevises held inside to alchemize it into gold. A woman who has claimed herself back, who is every day doing the work of showing up with what is, not matter how hard it may be.

    And you are seen. By me, and by hundred of other women. A lot of us are fighting so hard right now, and it sometimes seem that we are only surviving. Most of us long to be in joy again, and held in our entirety.

    And I believe this will be. It may mean choosing something that we never thought we would over everything else: ourselves.

    I see you. I witness where you are. I hold you in my heart.

    Love to you dear Sister...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isabelle, I’ve read these words over and over, trying to remember. They’ve helped me so much. Thank you for mirroring such beautiful and important things. They are a lifeline... more than you know.

      Delete

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