Skip to main content

keep going

One of the things that has unexpectedly come under deep examination in my life is my relationship with my mom and dad. Divorce will do that, challenge every foundational system and belief in your life. I'm understanding more and more how relationships are born of familiarity. Our attachment styles and intimacy gaps always seem to reach for what is known, both in the direction of the wildly fulfilling as well as the achingly heartbreaking. They often go hand in hand. They definitely have in my life. I can finally see the mirrors of these primary attachments reflecting back to me certain blind spots I've always had when it's come to love and belonging. Not just from my parents, but also from the long lost ghost story of my birth parents as well.  

I am hopeful not to repeat the kind of intimate connections that do not align with my needs, but it doesn't seem as simple as being aware and choosing something different. Quite often what sustains us is also what most challenges us, so I'm feeling around those edges before I dive into anything new. I've been trying to imagine what that might even look like, but I don't seem to have the space or desire quite yet. I trust that when the time comes to move in that direction, I'll know for certain.

There is so much my brain wants to understand, but my heart yearns to release. They feel like opposing forces -- holding on vs. letting go. I read somewhere that we can sometimes get locked in our struggles by staying focused on them in the name of "self awareness". Right now I'm trying to listen to my body and my heart. I can feel there is something else to unlock there, the last release in letting go of the old and stepping into the new. Isn't that always the way? Embodiment work is no joke, and I'm now being called to really walk my talk more than ever. I can feel myself needing movement and longing for somatic experiences. Even what I need to sate my hunger is beginning to shift, as I'm craving simpler foods and more lightness and freshness. The change is happening deep in my bones as I grieve the loss of so much and also to celebrate all of my life's abundance. It's this pivot that I can feel is so critical to the next step... being able to see and embrace the overflowing goodness that was and is always present in my life, and letting that take up more and more space in my cellular memory each day. I can't name it or touch it yet, but I can feel its presence right at my fingertips. All I can do is keep moving towards it. Keep going. I't definitely my mantra for this year.


Popular posts from this blog

Inner Alchemy Cards: Build A New World Deck

Our next make-your-own card adventure is finally here! Inner Alchemy Collage: Build A New World Deck (online) is an artful exploration of language, learning, inspiration, and collaboration, that delves into important ideas around activism and systems of oppression. This is a way for us to examine and disrupt harmful dominant narratives, tell new stories, and inspire one another to use our creativity and personal power to help build the collective world we all want to live in! In the end you will have a beautiful and meaningful handmade deck of 35 oracle cards to use as unique a tool for guidance and reflection whenever you need it.  I'm your host,  Mindy Tsonas Choi , an artist, organizer, radical belonging activist, and the founder of the Be Seen Project - a grassroots initiative resourcing BIPOC artist and makers working in activism. Join me along with other stellar artists, makers and co-creators who have also been exploring social justice and activism as part of their creativ

The Cost of Selling Belonging

As someone who use to sell belonging and believed I was creating something universally magical , I now have fresh eyes on the harm that I once caused. I understand what can (and was) incredibly healing and impactful for some, was at the same time excluding, marginalizing and undervaluing others. First, to anyone who ever felt like they did not belong to anything I created because they were unable to afford it or felt like they did not have the social capitol to join -  I am sincerely sorry for not seeing you sooner .   To our entire creative community as a whole, I urge us all to think about belonging in new and equitable ways, and to do the work of dismantling these hierarchical structures that leave so many people out of the circle. We all deserve to have access to creativity and belonging, and I'd go so far as to say both are fundamental basic human needs and rights. Selling belonging can look like... Creating spaces and experiences that can only be accessed by buying in at one,

what's in a name?

It’s May 14, 2020 and I’m on a transnational call with a social worker and translator of the SOS Children’s Village offices in South Korea. It’s 7pm my time and 9am the next day in Korea, which adds to the surreal quality of the moment. It is my first long distance call following my inquiry with the organization documented to be my first place of entry into the system, found in my Korean records (the acquisition of which is an incredible story in and of itself). It was July 21, 1972 and I was 5 months old. It’s a small miracle the organization still exists, and an even bigger blessing that they took such time and care in searching for information and to talk it all through with me in person. I try not to cry as the call connects. What I learn is a lot of small details about that fateful evening which amount to nothing traceable, but still feel like huge missing pieces of my life. I was left near the entrance around 7pm under a small tree, wrapped in a blanket with only a name scribble