One of the things that has unexpectedly come under deep examination in my life is my relationship with my mom and dad. Divorce will do that, challenge every foundational system and belief in your life. I'm understanding more and more how relationships are born of familiarity. Our attachment styles and intimacy gaps always seem to reach for what is known, both in the direction of the wildly fulfilling as well as the achingly heartbreaking. They often go hand in hand. They definitely have in my life. I can finally see the mirrors of these primary attachments reflecting back to me certain blind spots I've always had when it's come to love and belonging. Not just from my parents, but also from the long lost ghost story of my birth parents as well.
I am hopeful not to repeat the kind of intimate connections that do not align with my needs, but it doesn't seem as simple as being aware and choosing something different. Quite often what sustains us is also what most challenges us, so I'm feeling around those edges before I dive into anything new. I've been trying to imagine what that might even look like, but I don't seem to have the space or desire quite yet. I trust that when the time comes to move in that direction, I'll know for certain.
There is so much my brain wants to understand, but my heart yearns to release. They feel like opposing forces -- holding on vs. letting go. I read somewhere that we can sometimes get locked in our struggles by staying focused on them in the name of "self awareness". Right now I'm trying to listen to my body and my heart. I can feel there is something else to unlock there, the last release in letting go of the old and stepping into the new. Isn't that always the way? Embodiment work is no joke, and I'm now being called to really walk my talk more than ever. I can feel myself needing movement and longing for somatic experiences. Even what I need to sate my hunger is beginning to shift, as I'm craving simpler foods and more lightness and freshness. The change is happening deep in my bones as I grieve the loss of so much and also to celebrate all of my life's abundance. It's this pivot that I can feel is so critical to the next step... being able to see and embrace the overflowing goodness that was and is always present in my life, and letting that take up more and more space in my cellular memory each day. I can't name it or touch it yet, but I can feel its presence right at my fingertips. All I can do is keep moving towards it. Keep going. I't definitely my mantra for this year.