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girl erased

Over the last month or so, my wardrobe has been shifting. If you've ever looked in my closet, you'd instantly be met with a veritable sea of black and grey. Partly it's been ease. Everything matches with one neutral color pallet. It makes getting dressed each day an act of simplicity, and not something I often have to labor over. I truly love that. I also do believe in the power of a well curated capsule wardrobe, quality over quantity, filled with only things that you really love and fit well, Kondomari style. My closet is tiny, and everything I need fits in that little corner space, even my shoes. The overwhelm of too much stuff has always made me a little cranky.

Since I started running and have become more devoted to my yoga practice, I've noticed how my heart wants to stray away from trying-to-blend-in black, and mix it up with bold and bright colors and patterns. It's a small superficial change, but on a deeper level it signifies a pretty big shift for me on the inside. I feel like I don't need to hide as much. I am ready to be seen. I think a lot of this has to do with finally feeling more inner and outer continuity. My insides (beliefs, ideology, truths) match my outsides, now, more than ever. It's an alignment that's been creating more and more freedom and peace in my life.

Black will always be my shiny spirit color, the hue in which I feel most comforted, safe, honest, strong and sassy. But these colors! White even, way at the other end of the spectrum, have been delighting me lately. I'm definitely having a love affair with color. It's who I am as well, and it feels so liberating to not have to fight to blend in anymore. A good friend of mine said it so well, that I've lived a lifetime of trying not to feel otherness, the otherness of my adoption, the otherness of my race, the otherness of my imperfect body and emotions. It used to be that becoming invisible... playing small, not asking for too much, not being disruptive with my needs, having quiet dreams, and even blending in with layers of black and gray, was the only way to feel belonging. Turns out, when you belong fully to yourself, nothing else really matters.

That's really what these pink flowery leggings are saying.

This is me.

I am here.