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the beauty in the mess

Yesterday was hard and strange and sweet and mostly, in the end, full of love. The day started with a thermometer in my mouth as I had had a low fever the night before. Of course that sent me down the Google rabbit hole asking all the questions one does when you worry about a virus infiltrating your bubble of safety (not a great thing to do before bed during a pandemic). No fever the next morning though, and today I feel as normal as can be expected, which is to say physically I think I'm okay. I wonder what it would read if we were able to take our emotional temperature, kind of like the way Mary Poppins could size up people with her magical measuring tape. Mine might read: sunny and steadfast with a chance of meltdown.

Without a schedule I find myself working a little every day, where I used to keep weekends pretty sacred to family time. Since every day is now family time (I'll leave it up to you to contextualize this in any sweet or snarky way ;) it seems all the minutes are sort of jumbled together with a little bit of everything thrown into the mix, and I find myself often asking, "what day is it anyway?". 

My kids, for now, both seem to be doing fairly well. They are pretty grounded and resourceful humans, and despite their typical sibling behavior - read, fighting - they are both finding other outlets for their time. We had our second family therapy session online, which was both genius and a novel experience. For anyone with kids interested in resources about how to deal with anxiety as it pertains to family systems (seen as not just as one individual's problem), Lynn Lyons has some really excellent books and videos for all ages. This week we are working together on naming and externalizing our worries and creating a reward system for the Wall of Flexibility.

Amidst the low-grade worry, there are moments like these that feel like a gift. We've been expanding our repertoire or recipies and eating more meals together - yesterday we made vegan pasta bolognese and later, easy kimchee pancakes from scratch and veggie dumplings from the freezer (Trader Joes has really yummy ones), and the boys baked oatmeal chocolate chip cookies together. If you know me you know I hate to bake, so this always makes me super happy. And really, what sexier than your partner making you homemade treats? Maybe my boys will bake for their loves someday.


  1. Um...I can't believe how big your boys are!!!! When did this happen?! ;)

    What a curious time it is...the uncertainty, the fear and panic for some...but then this, what you've shared...the love and gathering and holding of what is sacred.
    P.S. so glad that fever took care of itself. xo

    1. I know... it's so crazy to think that in the earliest archives of this blog my oldest is just a toddler. What different times and challenges. Thank you for being her and for these sweet reminders. It means more than I can say <3


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