Days 24 and 25 :: I let the earth hold me. I asked for help. I got my vitamin D. I connected with my people. I made good things from what was readily available. I napped when I felt bone weary. I found unexpected gifts and moments of flow.
The Small Things
We have daffodils and forsythia blooming in the yard. The neighbors are posting a joke a day in their window and leaving chalk doodles on their driveway. The goldfinches are in our feeders and we are hoping to see some hummingbirds this year. I went back for the book in the Little Free Library around the corner and found another that looks juicy too - I started reading it last night (so interesting somehow, that it's a love story that begins on 9/11) - thinking about what to leave in return. Future projects of their own timing and energy, are indeed brewing. I cooked up the best impromptu dinner of caprice sandwiches on fresh baguette with leftover homemade nut-free pesto and milk mozzarella, with a side of fig balsamic brussels sprouts that had been languishing in the bottom of the vegetable bin. I've got 500 homemade envelopes to make, and it's the perfect easy work for these days - washi tape for the win! Alex and I went to the grocery store to do a big restock for the next two weeks during the surge and we both wore masks. My sewing machine died just as I pulled it out to make said masks, luckily we had things to improvise. Contemplating plan B.
The Big Things
My mom texted me yesterday to affirm both my parent's love and support for my birth family search. I've always known they would honor any decision I made in that direction, but it felt more than reassuring to have that acknowledgement right there in the palm of my hand and tucked into my heart for the journey.
I haven't talked too in depth about this process yet. Alex and I recently had a coffee out one morning, before the world went sideways, where we batted around the many possible and unpredictable outcomes and consequences. I've broached the topic a little with my kids and both boys are all in for more family and what feels like part of their very own mystery they hope to be solved. I'm listening to a lot of fellow adoptee stories who did search and the only distinct wisdom I've gathered so far is that you can never know how it all might go.
In January, I had been planning to add some support by reaching out to a local therapist and coach who's worked mostly within the adoption triad. A book actually led me to seek out the center for adoptee resources she had founded (which turns out no longer exists) years ago, where I started seeing a counselor then back in my late 20's. Marilyn helped me wade into those complex waters for the first time. Since then, I've unpacked this vast and bottomless suitcase in many different ways at different times. It's a trauma that will never be completely healed - not in the way I once imagined, at least. These days, to me, it feels more like some kind of reconciliation. And one that will never be quite complete no matter what the outcome of my search may be.
It feels like a strange time to be initiating these inquiries, but I also think there is no right time for any of this. For now I'm continuing to collect resources and information, and to shore up my heart for what's ahead. I've printed out my form that will allow me to be part of a new DNA matching program offered by the Korean government through their consulates in this country. The closest one to me is only an hour away in Newton, MA. Serendipitous opportunities surrounding my adoption have come across my path before, with results that were indeed like miracles. Because of this, I know to trust them. This feels like a key to a door that I know I want to open, but for now I'm holding onto the invitation, making sure I'm ready to walk through, just a moment longer.
Also, Boston Medical Center reached capacity for C19 patients - about 150 - and almost a third of them in the ICU.
Tonight is the full Pink Moon.