I'm back in my notebooks mining for what has always inspired me and gotten me through, and really glad to have the messy record... while also wondering if all this is my magnum opus or fuel for a really big bonfire someday.
Every day, as a mother, I wonder if I'm doing enough to support them, to nurture them, to connect with them and help them process and make sense of all that's going on. What's too much and what's not enough - of everything - is the eternal question these days.
I'm going to sew my family some masks. It's time. Even though very few people around here are wearing them.
Though I will not have a job come the end of this month, talking about money has never felt safer. We actually never used to talk about money together, ever, something we've unpacked on so many different relational levels, which we now understand is also intertwined with underlying personal beliefs around value and worth. Yet another not so subtle nod to the different path we are on these days, that feels really sturdy and good.
Love is all around (and so curious about this red church).
My body feels tight and heavy these days. I miss my community yoga classes a lot, and realize how much I really do need the connection and movement not just for my physical body, but for my emotional, energetic and spiritual body as well. And, inertia during a quarantine is sticky and real. Walks help, but are just not the same.
The pandemic has me poised to go all in on a birth family search. I may have been tip-toing up to this possibility beforehand, but the urgency feels more real now. What has felt so far away, feels exponentially closer these days. Maybe because we are all in this thing together. Maybe because time is not on my side. Maybe because of the existential moment. Maybe because I actually have the resources now, both inside and out. Maybe because the desire finally outweighs the fear.
I finished my book last night and have so many feelings about Nicole's story. It was so validating to read another adoptee's perspective. Even though her experience was very different than my own in some ways, so much of it felt so familiar and very much the same. This book was just what I needed in this moment.
Naming truth continues to heal me.
Thinking about my next season of work and what I want to pour my heart and spirit into. How can I use my gifts to best serve? And thinking a lot about this quote a friend shared with me: "Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path."
We are... playing lots of Apples to Apples and bocci, watching Ozark and Arrested Development (laughter feels so good), making long + colorful strands of beads for a bohemian style beaded curtain, planning Easter/passover brunch, about to read Book 1 of Elsewhere together, taking lots of hot baths, eating Twizzlers (without guilt) by the bag full, contemplating what to grow in our new garden beds.
A promise to myself these days: I will not miss all that's blooming because of all that is coming to an end.