Life is always about living inside the AND, but these days I feel like I'm in-between these disparate dichotomies more acutely than usual.
There is so much beauty and kindness and inspiration all around me and ugly things about our social systems continue to come to light.
People are showing up to help one another in such amazing ways and I grow wearier by the day of the privileged platitudes "We are all one" and "We are all in this together", which is the new spiritual bypass equivalent of "I don't see color".
My brother goes to work every day in a hospital full of covid patients and as of two weeks ago he tested negative, but I still worry about him every single day with egzema on my right arm as evidence.
We have everything we need in this moment and there are concerns about a future that is now much more uncertain.
As a community we are staying connected and innovating new ways of communing and gathering and in some prettyy significant ways I feel much less a part of a certain kind of togetherness.
My kids are showing great resilience in the grand scheme of things and they are also struggling to still show up.
I'm encouraged by watching Alex run his school from our kitchen table, making care packages for his students, brainstorming with his teachers and staff and this online learning is complete and utter bullsh*t.
Staying home, the four of us together, highlights all the ways we are supported and connected and it also reveals our abundance of human flaws and limitations.
There are days I want to fall into the safe arms of my family and there are moments I need to get in my car and just get the hell outta dodge.
I realize I've collected so many good tools over the years for coping and self care and regulation and sometimes that all goes out the window (which may look like too much sleeping, eating in ways that I know my body doesn't like, staying inside, not creating/writing/showing up, having a drink at the end of a hard day, negative self talk, guilt and shame).
Sometimes I'm am able to easily roll with all the ups and downs and other moments all I can do is simply give in and let my grief have me.
There are special occasions to celebrate and meaningful milestones to mark and we can't quite make plans or be together with those we love.
I've got meaningful projects to work on, seeds to plant, things to make and I'm seeing so many other things coming to an end and falling apart.
There is sadness, anger, uncertainty, inequity and there is joy, love, compassion and hope.
It's everything in the wild, grand spectrum of this hard and beautiful life.