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love inside the gap

{photo my friend Jeff took and sent to me while living in S. Korea, 
Buddha's birthday celebration}

I didn't intend for a month to go by without writing in this space. It certainly was not for any lack of things to say or share. There's just been so much, so so much... and I have been trying to tease apart and process the many layers of thoughts, emotions and events over the last month, especially the last two weeks, into something coherent and wise. 

A global health crisis alongside my birth family search and the reintegration of my Korean identity against a world-altering racial pandemic, all feel tied together in some important way that I am still trying to fully understand. 

Some parts I can see so clearly. The way history, war, devastation, colonization, patriarchy and oppression have created conditions for some really painful truths in my life distilled down through generations into the inner workings of my individual relationships. I am constantly working through the macro inside the micro, yet knowing this and recognizing what's at play does not make it any easier to root out or any less painful. 

{the cards I pulled for this moon cycle}

I'm reconciling many difficult truths: that my birth family left me behind not once, but twice (so it turns out); how the unaddressed racial divide between my parents and I feels like an ocean between us - something I have experienced my whole life as sadness and aloneness and not enough-ness, and have not been able to name until this racially confronting moment while also deep in my listening to other adoptee narratives; the way a cultural gap so global and widespread effects how I move through every space and every relationship in every day of my life, and how because of this grief and separateness becomes a constant burden of daily living which at many times in my early life felt like too much to bear. 

It feels more clarifying than overwhelming, this perfect storm of circumstances, and it is giving me answers in real-time at a depth that I'm sure I would not have been able to access any other way. I have so much more compassion and understanding for all I (we) have lived through, and I am gaining a clearer understanding of how I want and need to show up in the world. Yes it is messy and painful, but it also feels like the most honest lens through which I have ever look at my life, and there is so much strength and healing in fully embracing the truth. 

What I also want to share is that I believe love is still the answer. LOVE the verb, not the emotion, as actions that have the power to build bridges of intimacy and heal communities should we be brave enough to choose it. 

How we love inside the gap, matters. 

{Portsmouth Music Hall}


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